Man, I wish I’d written that song.
Actually, I’m using that title to refer to the six months’ worth of posts that I’ve skipped out on, and the fact that I haven’t written much at all since last month when COVID-19 took over everyone’s lives and drastically changed . . . well, almost everything. I’ve also avoided writing about how I’m processing these drastic changes, except perhaps in a journal entry from March when I didn’t realize how drastic said changes would be. Even when talking to close friends and family, I try not to get into too much of this sad stuff because really, what are they going to do to help? It’s more likely that I’ll just end up making them feel worse than they already do. So I came to my semi-retired blog, and I’ll see what I can piece together here in this little corner of the internet that seemed like a good place to process some thoughts and feelings today.
It’s April 26th, a Sunday, and I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how I previously — like, six weeks ago — thought this weekend would unfold. Friday would’ve been one of those great days where I either left my day job early or didn’t go in at all, because I had a dress rehearsal for a play. Saturday would have been the day we presented that play, and the following day — today — I would’ve hopped onto a plane and kicked off my bachelorette celebration (the bachelor party having taken place last weekend).
For painfully obvious reasons, none of those things have happened. And while I have put a lot of energy into not complaining too much, fully aware that many others have sacrificed and lost far more than I have (I read just yesterday about one woman who lost her mother to COVID-19 after it also claimed her grandmother and aunt and I . . . cannot even imagine), these are valid emotions and this is an appropriate place to air them out.
March 3rd is my birthday, and I kept the celebrations low-key this year. After all, there would be plenty of partying to come, what with my bridal shower and bachelorette trip and rehearsal dinner and the wedding itself, at least two more weddings to follow (one of which would be in Mexico), and an as-yet-undecided honeymoon. My partner took me out for a delicious dinner at a great restaurant which was emptier than we’d seen it before not because of social distancing, but because it was a Tuesday evening.
My mom and my matron-of-honour/cousin didn’t end up making it into town that weekend, which was no big deal, because I was obviously going to see them both soon. Right now I am really missing Mom, who I haven’t seen since December, because with all those events coming up it didn’t feel urgent for either one of us to travel two hours for a look-in. For several years, Mom lived in the Middle East while I stayed home in Toronto, but even then it was unusual to go half a year without a visit; and at this point, I truly don’t know when I’ll be able to see and hug her next.
And here’s the funny thing: I wonder if there’s an alternate universe somewhere where none of these things are as much of a bother to me. See, there was a moment at my birthday party last year where it seemed like my partner might pop the question. He did it three months later. Imagine for a moment that our entire timeline had been bumped up by three months: that would’ve meant that the bridal shower and bachelor/bachelorette celebrations would’ve happened in January, the rehearsal dinner and wedding itself would have happened around Valentine’s Day (our anniversary as a couple), and we might’ve wrapped up our honeymoon later that month, or around my birthday, or in March right before lockdown commenced. So we’d still be stressed out today by . . . you know, the whole world turning upside down . . . but the wedding stress would be over with. In fact, we’d have plenty of time to write and send our thank-you notes.
Even in that alternate universe, though, I feel awful for my friends whose weddings (one originally scheduled for the weekend before mine in May, one in July, one in August) have also been impacted. I also feel blessed to have them as a support system, keenly aware of the additional stresses that have been created by the combination of wedding planning and global plague mitigation. It’s likely that I’ll blog more about that combination sometime soon, but for now I’ll leave that unwritten too.
Thanks for listening. <3